One thing that was particularly hard for me to deal with in this dramatic and volatile saga, was Chris’ mouth.
Prior to this thing with him, I had never experienced the intense rage that results from a person who refuses to stop talking.
Being called names, listening to blatant lies about myself and my loved ones, hearing his stories that were hardly anything more than cringeworthy, his embellishments, the baiting…. simple, daily conversation took effort and energy. It irritated me to even participate.
I was more in my head than physically or socially in his presence. I went from yelling and fighting with him about every detail I couldn’t make sense of or let go of, to rolling my eyes and not even wanting to speak. It felt like my voice was swallowed up in between what I wanted to say, and couldn’t say because it was easier to avoid the confrontation. I found myself looking-the-other-way, rather than engage with him. There was no winning or losing, just going round and round with a person who never tired.
I was lost in thought.
I couldn’t follow a conversation, or recall details. I became withdrawn and overwhelmed at the slightest bit of discomfort. I would be shaking from anxiety and became physically ill as if I were having an allergic reaction to him. I didn’t know that you can be ‘allergic’ to a person, but yes, it is quite possible. My body began showing obvious signs of unhappiness and distress. I lost weight, my face looked pale, and my eyes looked distant and distraught. I always felt like the room was small, and spinning.
I was quietly daydreaming about other places, other things, other company.
He never had anything good to say; nothing interesting or thought-provoking. He lied so much that I didn’t want to interact with him at all. He turned everything around. He made excuses for everything. He was constantly gaslighting me about his vile friends; vermin I wouldn’t associate with or say hello to even if you paid me top-dollar. To this day, he still accuses me of being with his friends, the majority of which I have never met and don’t know. He would rather play make-believe, than to be held accountable for the grimey things I caught him doing behind my back, and callously did to my face. The more I confronted him with irrefutable facts backed by Google maps, and secret messages and accounts he was too ignorant, or arrogant, to erase, the more he played dumb.
The fights were never-ending. It would be 10 o’clock at night when they started, and before I knew it, I was still yelling at him to leave me alone and stop, as the sun was coming up. No rest for the wicked, is an accurate statement.
He accused me, belittled me, taunted me, mocked me, and said anything he possibly could to get a reaction out of me. Trying to ignore him made me dizzy, and made my ears ring. He just kept going, and going, and going; and no matter how much I cried, stayed quiet, yelled back, or threw hands with him, he wouldn’t stop. He wouldn’t let up.
I found myself silently pleading, just MAKE IT SHUT UP!
I didn’t want to hear his voice, his comments, his questions, his bullshit.
Listening to the garbage he spewed from his wide-open-trap was more than enough to send me over the edge. It was maddening. And it continued day after day, night after night.
It felt like I was in the presence of a dark, powerful, calculating spirit.
There was no reason, no logic, no compromise. Only confusion and mind-games. It would be a few days of love-bombing followed by a week of fighting, unforgiveness, and bitterness. He acted like a maniac, then cried about how much the fight had hurt HIM.
Even though it’s been over for quite some time, I can still hear his voice in my mind when certain triggers remind me of that hellacious time. He is the most phony person I have ever been around. He is the nicest person in the world to the least deserving of people. He would rather please and impress random nobody’s than to stick up for and side with someone he claims to love; the mother of his only child.
I call him ‘Shiny Chris’ because he presents this wholesome, loving, wonderful person to every neighbor, and street walker…. but in the car, or at home, or under his breath, he was unrecognizable as the same person.
For example, we had just gotten into a fight in the car because he is just a rude ass liar. I had planned on stopping for a scoop of Cherries Jubilee, but after all the animosity and anxiety in the enclosed space in the car, all I wanted to do was get away from him. He stopped at the ice-cream place anyway, and threw an attitude that I better get out of the car. We walked inside and he smiled at the girl behind the counter, being overly friendly with small talk while he was deciding what to get. He told her what he wanted, and asked me what I wanted. I stared at him with so much hate in my eyes and hidden emotions, and calmly said I didn’t want anything. She said that was fine and proceeded to get his order. Under his breath, he told me ‘what a fuckin bitch I was’ and ‘fuck if he wanted to do something nice for me’. I looked at him with no expression, but inside, I wanted to smash his face through the glass dessert case, and tell him since he was so friendly with the girl behind the counter, she could clean up his mess.
We had just fought so intensely in the car that I wanted to get out and walk so I wouldn’t have to be near him, but yes, let me enjoy a delicious, sexually-tantalizing dessert with you.
It was insanity.
Everything was upside down and backwards with him. I could never understand how he could not be affected by anything, nothing bothered him, he had no feelings. I once told him I wanted to cut him to see if he would even bleed, because he just didn’t act human.
Without a doubt, I’m so grateful that I don’t have to hear it in real-time anymore. I deal with the memories, which are actually nightmares. I pray them away and give them to God to help quiet the noise of that menace. All the ugly things he said, the tone he used, the stupid, thoughtless comments, and the back-handed compliments, it was like long nails on a chalkboard.
The greatest blessing that makes me smile and warms my heart, is the distance, and the peaceful silence….